Lent

So it is the season of Lent now. My experience with Lent is limited to only the last three years or so. Before that I am not sure that I knew it existed. I do remember one friend from college who was catholic, and gave up eating meat. In the last couple of years, my church has adopted Lent as a season of preparation, of repentance, of mourning for Jesus's death, and as a time that we take part in his death ourselves, in order to more fully take part in his life. This makes sense to me, in the upsidedown Christian way. The problem I am having suddenly, and it isn't really exactly a problem, is that I am happy.

Several years ago, the first year I began exploring the idea of Lent, I gave up eating desserts. I did this, not for a diet or anything, but because I knew that it would be the hardest thing to do that I could possibly think of. And it was really hard. I remember going on a walk, the last week of Lent and thinking that there was no way I was going to make it for only four more days. But I did and I never looked forward to Easter, or truly celebrated when it arrived like I did that year. Though more importantly, I think, as I look back, that year I added prayer too, as a part of Lent. I bought a new prayer book and used it each morning, and then continued to use it for far far longer.

The next two years have not been even remotely as successful. I couldn't decide on what I would give up, and just felt guilty.

So this year, again, I have renewed motivation, but again, I don't know what to give up. I can give up desserts again, and it would be just as hard as the first time. But it feels a little more rote, and less meaningful, and like my heart is not quite in it. Not eating something just for the purpose of proving something, or allaying my guilt does not sound like the gospel.

So the question is, what does God want to do with me in this season of Lent, and in my life long after that? And I realized that I haven't really asked him. So I think that prayer is the thing that I need most again. I need to keep asking God to lead, and listen to his voice, and to obey him. One thing that might help me do this the new link (yay, I added one!) on the right. It puts together daily prayer and scripture from the Book of Common Prayer. I told my Episcopal friends about this, and they told me that I am cheating, because learning to actually use the Book of Common Prayer is part of the experience. But sadly, I am more internet savvy, than prayer-book savvy, so this will do for me. And maybe I will just need to set aside more time and not hit my snooze button four times before crawling out of bed. I have been thinking about actually fasting also. Maybe for a day once a week during Lent, or maybe just on Good Friday. I will be praying about adding this too. I guess the point, in the end, is obedience.

But chocolate? Yeah, I think I will eat and enjoy it this year. I feel so tremendously blessed in this season in my life. Actually, I think it is truly joy from Jesus, because I cannot explain it any other way. So when I say I am happy, I mean more than that. And I certainly don't want to be pushing Jesus out of the way so that I can have my fun, but thank him for all he has given, and not feel guilty if the party starts a little early this year.